What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

It was going to be , some day.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen to me?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Put me off passion for life!!

Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I was seconnd youngest,

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Do older men realize that younger women usually do not prefer them?

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was 9 years of age.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I have no regrets .

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

What does it feel like wearing tights?

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She was in good health!

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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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And who doesn’t know suffering?

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

(And it was in our own minds.)

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I said to her

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Ive learnt so much.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She loved him until the end.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

When she asked me how she looked .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Im still living with it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But, we were locked up after school.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Would this be the day?

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We were not on the streets..

But it wasn’t much.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I think the readers, may guess!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I could never make a relationship work though!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I never cut or harmed myself..

She married twice! .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Who then, do I blame.?

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I did it because my mum asked me too!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

One cannot live in the past .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

All the time i was locked up.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I waited trembling.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I was scared of men, in general

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

I don,t even have a pension.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And i lived it daily.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

My family never makes their pension either.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Why did i forgive my father ?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

We all went to grammer schools

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

This is soul school!.

She found it foreign!.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

My life is so biszare .

I couldn’t, believe it.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I will be 64.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Comes on , in middle age.

She wouldn,t have been !

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

He knew the spot.

What did i know ?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He resisted the act ,that day.

So whats the point in blame.

I write beautiful poetry .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I was very sick at this time too.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

So, i spoilt her more .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t